Maybe

Published September 11, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

I wish that I was posting with a positive attitude tonight but that wouldn’t be honest. My health is pretty much shot. As I have said I have gotten off a lot of medication in the last two months. Last week I decided to stop the Hydocodone 1/2 pill a day for my scoliosis. Even though it was an extremely small dose my body has been used to it for years. I realized almost immediately that all mood swings are gone; however, the whole experience has made me sicker than imaginable.

My body overall is refusing to eat. I make myself gage something down at least a few bites twice a day. I think I went without food for so long and combing that with the medicine withdrawal is just too much.

Ford called today and is demanding a car payment next Tuesday the same day I am moving into the apartment. I don’t know how I will manage it all.

If a miracle happens and I start at the factory next Wednesday there is a small gleam of hope. My car insurance company will be screaming any day now.

Living in a constant state of fear is about to break me. I can’t believe how strong I have been so far just moving forward everyday. But the weakening has gotten to me today. I feel so sick it takes all my willpower to go to the grocery store to work and that is the easiest job ever. I wonder if I will ever feel well again.

If God were to grant me mercy I would go to sleep tonight and not wake-up to more fear and suffering.

Being alone all the time is killing me emotionally. I only hear from the kids if I call them. If I died I don’t think they would notice for weeks if not months.

The best I can hope for tonight is to wake-up and feel like I am not dying.

Maybe I will have enough money next week and start the job and physically be able to make it there. So many maybes. I can’t remember the last time I felt well. My attitude would probably improve if I had one decent day. Who knew even eating could be such a struggle.

I am going to try and sleep as long as I can now. I can honestly say I would never let an animal suffer like this.

I did have a dream last night that my boys were small again, and I was kissing their little hands making them squeal with delight.

Someday

Published September 5, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

I woke up to good news this morning. The factory called to setup a physical. I went to the Social Security office and ordered a new card. If they receive the physical back in time then I could potentially start around the 17th.

I am set to move into the apartment on the 22nd, so I am really nervous that I won’t have enough money. Ford is breathing down my neck for another car payment.

I invited the kids to spend the night, but as much as they love and miss me they cannot bring themselves to campout here with me, and I completely understand. I hate it here too. I pray things work out financially so that I can move into the apartment. I miss my kids so much.

I am very happy I got the factory job as financially it could save the day. I live in fear of the motion sickness everyone has warned me about.

I write these posts, but I do not read them. I am living in this nightmare, and I can’t bring myself to read about it. Someday, when I am strong again, I will.

Loneliness

Published September 4, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

Words cannot express what it is like to be alone all the time. Hunger doesn’t even rival that. The only reprieve I have is when I am at work and that is a small reprieve. I sit or lay alone on the air mattress and stare at the walls.

I know that I need to find a way to live again, but being alone all the time seems to paralyze me. I did interview at the factory yesterday and that gives me hope. I am scared to death of the motion sickness that comes with the job there as I have always been particularly sensitive to that, but I am desperate to make it work.

I am off tomorrow, and I pray that I have the courage to do something even if it is going for a walk…

Missing My Boys

Published August 26, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

I went to my sister’s this weekend and got a reprieve from life. It kind of made coming back to it that much harder. My levels of tolerance to my living conditions are declining rapidly. I just don’t know how much more of this I can take.

People have been reinforcing that I should trust in God. Turn things over to him, so Monday that is what I did. I was going back and forth on whether to spend the $22.50 for the application process at an apartment. They are very nice apartments and only $376 a month. I did pay and apply and actually qualified.

This is where it gets tricky. I only have so much money coming in so it will be a miracle if it all works out. Once I am in then I should be fine. So I am turning it over to God.

I miss my boys so much I can’t stand it. I am alone most of the time starting at these walls. I love them more than anything in the world. If I can get into the apartments I will be able to have them back in my life.

I am tired tonight. I worked today but more emotionally tired. So many things have to fall into place at a specific time. If I get into the apartment sooner rather than later then if I get a call from the factory job I will be in good shape. If I get the call before I am moved in then I will either have to pass up the apartment or the job because the apartment is based on my income when I move in. Once I am in then that is not an issue. The whole thing is stressing me to my core. So I will wait and pray.

Mercy

Published August 22, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

Remember that game you played as a child where you grasp another’s fingers, and you twist until someone says mercy? I am saying Mercy.

I don’t know how much longer I can go living like this. No working toilet and stench is more than I can bare. I am alone all the time except when I am working. Being alone in the world is probably the hardest.

I came back, but rarely see the kids because of my living conditions. At this point I don’t know why I came back.

I don’t even know where I belong because I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t have a place to call home or a support network.

I am trying to think of a solution for Lacey but there doesn’t seem to be one. She deserves a better life.

I long to wash my hands and put on clean clothes.

May God have mercy on my soul…

Saving Lacey Grace

Published August 20, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

Today started off very rough indeed. Going without utilities is daunting. The worst part is the water situation. With no water means no functioning toilet. This whole ordeal has taken a tole on my health and being without a functioning toilet is dire.

I now understand what it means to be hungry. I like most of you have had medical test that have required me to fast for a certain time period. That hunger vs chronic hungry are two different things. Let me explain.

This morning I ate a small sandwich after being hungry for hours. That is when the nausea sets in. By the time I got to eat a little for supper, I ate way too fast, then had the fight the urge to be sick. Four hours later I won. I kept it in my belly thankfully.

I received notification today that a local factory has a few positions available. I am beyond excited. I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up, but it would drastically change my life. If it is the night shift then I could work both jobs and get on my feet that much quicker. Dare I hope?

The people that encouraged me to come back to this town with their promises of support to do whatever necessary to get me on my feet are nowhere to be found. It’s all up to me, and I have to make this work for my kids.

I haven’t spoken about my dog Lacey Grace in a while. She is suffering right along side me. It is terribly sad. I bring home water and we share and save enough so that she will have some the next day. She needs to be groomed and has an ear infection. Her quality of life has taken a serious hit. She feels my anxiety and has created a new nervous tic of chewing on blankets with her front teeth. She has a serious underbite:)

I have decide, when I come out of the other side, I will find a way to help others like me. Maybe I will start a nonprofit. Perhaps an essay type form as to why they need assistance. Just a thought. I have to get myself out of this mess first and save Lacey Grace.

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Not An Average Spider

Published August 18, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

I had my first day at the new job. It was pretty uneventful. My back has always given me extreme pain and today was no exception.

I was bad today. After looking at all the food at work, I actually went and bought two tacos. I was so hungry my inner strength gave way. Not the smartest idea as this will probably cause me to go food-less one day in the near future.

I turned in the application for food stamps. I also had to listen to my boss share his disdain for people that receive such help. Apparently, as I actually do have a business degree and look well put together it never entered his mind that I might be one of those people.

Currently, my favorite time is when I am sleeping. It is peaceful. No clawing hunger and no worrying about tomorrow, just bliss.

On an amusing note, the spiders have more than outnumbered me. I have one particularly large spider that lives by the toilet and sink. He hides with only half of his body showing at any given time. He keeps his beady eyes on me as he knows I have attempted his demise in the past. He is definitely not your average spider.

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