Missing My Boys

Published August 26, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

I went to my sister’s this weekend and got a reprieve from life. It kind of made coming back to it that much harder. My levels of tolerance to my living conditions are declining rapidly. I just don’t know how much more of this I can take.

People have been reinforcing that I should trust in God. Turn things over to him, so Monday that is what I did. I was going back and forth on whether to spend the $22.50 for the application process at an apartment. They are very nice apartments and only $376 a month. I did pay and apply and actually qualified.

This is where it gets tricky. I only have so much money coming in so it will be a miracle if it all works out. Once I am in then I should be fine. So I am turning it over to God.

I miss my boys so much I can’t stand it. I am alone most of the time starting at these walls. I love them more than anything in the world. If I can get into the apartments I will be able to have them back in my life.

I am tired tonight. I worked today but more emotionally tired. So many things have to fall into place at a specific time. If I get into the apartment sooner rather than later then if I get a call from the factory job I will be in good shape. If I get the call before I am moved in then I will either have to pass up the apartment or the job because the apartment is based on my income when I move in. Once I am in then that is not an issue. The whole thing is stressing me to my core. So I will wait and pray.


Published August 22, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

Remember that game you played as a child where you grasp another’s fingers, and you twist until someone says mercy? I am saying Mercy.

I don’t know how much longer I can go living like this. No working toilet and stench is more than I can bare. I am alone all the time except when I am working. Being alone in the world is probably the hardest.

I came back, but rarely see the kids because of my living conditions. At this point I don’t know why I came back.

I don’t even know where I belong because I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t have a place to call home or a support network.

I am trying to think of a solution for Lacey but there doesn’t seem to be one. She deserves a better life.

I long to wash my hands and put on clean clothes.

May God have mercy on my soul…

Saving Lacey Grace

Published August 20, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

Today started off very rough indeed. Going without utilities is daunting. The worst part is the water situation. With no water means no functioning toilet. This whole ordeal has taken a tole on my health and being without a functioning toilet is dire.

I now understand what it means to be hungry. I like most of you have had medical test that have required me to fast for a certain time period. That hunger vs chronic hungry are two different things. Let me explain.

This morning I ate a small sandwich after being hungry for hours. That is when the nausea sets in. By the time I got to eat a little for supper, I ate way too fast, then had the fight the urge to be sick. Four hours later I won. I kept it in my belly thankfully.

I received notification today that a local factory has a few positions available. I am beyond excited. I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up, but it would drastically change my life. If it is the night shift then I could work both jobs and get on my feet that much quicker. Dare I hope?

The people that encouraged me to come back to this town with their promises of support to do whatever necessary to get me on my feet are nowhere to be found. It’s all up to me, and I have to make this work for my kids.

I haven’t spoken about my dog Lacey Grace in a while. She is suffering right along side me. It is terribly sad. I bring home water and we share and save enough so that she will have some the next day. She needs to be groomed and has an ear infection. Her quality of life has taken a serious hit. She feels my anxiety and has created a new nervous tic of chewing on blankets with her front teeth. She has a serious underbite:)

I have decide, when I come out of the other side, I will find a way to help others like me. Maybe I will start a nonprofit. Perhaps an essay type form as to why they need assistance. Just a thought. I have to get myself out of this mess first and save Lacey Grace.


Not An Average Spider

Published August 18, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

I had my first day at the new job. It was pretty uneventful. My back has always given me extreme pain and today was no exception.

I was bad today. After looking at all the food at work, I actually went and bought two tacos. I was so hungry my inner strength gave way. Not the smartest idea as this will probably cause me to go food-less one day in the near future.

I turned in the application for food stamps. I also had to listen to my boss share his disdain for people that receive such help. Apparently, as I actually do have a business degree and look well put together it never entered his mind that I might be one of those people.

Currently, my favorite time is when I am sleeping. It is peaceful. No clawing hunger and no worrying about tomorrow, just bliss.

On an amusing note, the spiders have more than outnumbered me. I have one particularly large spider that lives by the toilet and sink. He hides with only half of his body showing at any given time. He keeps his beady eyes on me as he knows I have attempted his demise in the past. He is definitely not your average spider.


Published August 17, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

I spent time with my sons this weekend, and I loved every minute of it. I also went to church this morning. An old friend welcomed me there with open arms.

Every day since coming back to this small rural town someone has felt the need to call and tell me the horrific terrible things others are saying about me. I wish they wouldn’t. There is nothing I can do about it except absorb the pain from their harsh words.

Tomorrow I start my part-time job. Minimum wage isn’t enough in Missouri to make much of a dent, but my goal is to keep my car and phone so that I can make it to work and talk to my sons.

I was notified the power will be turned off tomorrow, and I really cannot afford to keep it, even if it was turned back on. It just isn’t a priority right now but more of a luxury.

I am hungry, but I did eat once today and for that I am grateful. The body has an automatic reflex to reach for food three times a day, but I think I can survive on one for a bit.

I am watching the employment boards for a local factory job. I would start off working nights, come home and sleep a few hours and go to the second job and maybe be able to turn things around.

I think the hardest part of it all is that I am scared. I worry the bank will take the house and my squatting days will be over. I guess I have lived, overall, a pretty sheltered life. I never really expected to be here.

I always wondered what it was like for people to be in this situation, so I think I will try and share my story as often as possible. Hopefully, you will just read what this is like and never experience it firsthand.

Robin Williams

Published August 14, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

The sad truth about depression and the people around them. Sadly, another soul has been taken by this horrible illness. As with every celebrity who has succumb to this disease the media picks up the story momentarily and then it will vanish as quickly as it came. The media will encourage those suffering to seek out the help that is offered to them. That all sounds really nice in theory, but the truth is not pretty.

First, most people will tell you there is not a physical problem, and that the problem is all in your head. I myself have reached out to people numerous times in the last 24 hours and heard this comment. Secondly, medication is touted as an option. My experience has been that the medication somewhat dulls the senses but the problems do not go away and new problems may arise such as lethargy, weight gain, stigma, brain fogginess and much more.

The worst part of all this is the lack of support of your so called loved ones and friends. Here are some common comments you will receive…

“It is all in your head”

“Put your big girl panties on” (probably my favorite)

“You got yourself in this mess, now get yourself out”

“Just be happy”

“I don’t want to deal with your issues”

“Suicide is selfish”

Okay, now I will try and explain what it feels like for someone with depression and suicidal ideations. Think back to one of your worst days in life and remember how you felt. Crank that feeling up by 100 and smash your insides. Can you feel it?

I know when most people see that someone like Robin Williams has died they are sad, confused and perplexed; however, many people do understand the cruel suffering. The clawing pain and misery that lives within despite those who think mind over matter will be the answer. There are, in fact, actual physical pain and ailments that accompanies this disease.

Unlike Mr. Williams, most people with mental illness end up living on the streets or are in jail because making it through daily living is especially difficult. Getting to the shower, getting to the job, paying the bills is all quite a feat.

I was in the hospital last year being treated for depression. At that time, the only difference between most of us was the fact that some were at the beginning and still had homes and those at the end living on the street.

I prayed that seeking out help for myself that I would not end up financially destroyed and alone. My prayers were not answered. A few bad decisions, some bad luck and here I am waiting for the power to be turned off. Yesterday, I prayed for death. The only peace I had was when I was asleep. I just couldn’t see the light. So many obstacles in the way, let alone the physical ailments racking my body. The thing that kept me here was once again my children. They would be destroyed for life if I committed suicide. They would never understand.

In the last few days, if I had money for every time someone told me to put my big girl panties on, I would financially be okay, but what I have needed most was just for someone to care and be kind.

If I survive this, I will assuredly come out a different person. What will remain of me I am not sure. I have forgotten what it feels like to be happy.

I made it through yesterday for my children and my children alone. Today I am just plain mad at the world and am fighting. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I did promise my children that I would not take my own life. I will keep that promise, but it does not mean that tomorrow I won’t plead with God to do it for me.

The reason I wrote this post is for one reason and one reason alone. I implore you to be kind to someone that is suffering with this disease. Don’t kick them while they are on the ground in the fetal position. They do not want to be there anymore than you want them there. They are not trying to be a bother. They are sick and a kind word might just be what is needed for them to get to tomorrow, and who knows, maybe something good will happen and their light will once again shine.

Ground Zero

Published August 10, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

Time to rebuild from zip. After my year long breakdown/medication haze, I have awoken to complete financial ruin. In fact, I cannot even comprehend some of the choices that I made during that time period.

To summarize…the only halfway decent decision I made was to rent out my house or so I thought. My renters turned into squatters. They owe me $1800 and the check in the mail statement is now dead in the water.

So, in conclusion, the money from rent that was supposed to pay house and car payment are nowhere to be found.

Moved the squatters out and am now back in my house with an air mattress. Electricity will be turned off tomorrow.

Desperate job search for one full-time and one part-time job. And pray, pray and more praying…

On an extremely positive note, my sweet son Wyatt is here camping out amusing me as only he can:)


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