Saving Lacey Grace

Published August 20, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

Today started off very rough indeed. Going without utilities is daunting. The worst part is the water situation. With no water means no functioning toilet. This whole ordeal has taken a tole on my health and being without a functioning toilet is dire.

I now understand what it means to be hungry. I like most of you have had medical test that have required me to fast for a certain time period. That hunger vs chronic hungry are two different things. Let me explain.

This morning I ate a small sandwich after being hungry for hours. That is when the nausea sets in. By the time I got to eat a little for supper, I ate way too fast, then had the fight the urge to be sick. Four hours later I won. I kept it in my belly thankfully.

I received notification today that a local factory has a few positions available. I am beyond excited. I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up, but it would drastically change my life. If it is the night shift then I could work both jobs and get on my feet that much quicker. Dare I hope?

The people that encouraged me to come back to this town with their promises of support to do whatever necessary to get me on my feet are nowhere to be found. It’s all up to me, and I have to make this work for my kids.

I haven’t spoken about my dog Lacey Grace in a while. She is suffering right along side me. It is terribly sad. I bring home water and we share and save enough so that she will have some the next day. She needs to be groomed and has an ear infection. Her quality of life has taken a serious hit. She feels my anxiety and has created a new nervous tic of chewing on blankets with her front teeth. She has a serious underbite:)

I have decide, when I come out of the other side, I will find a way to help others like me. Maybe I will start a nonprofit. Perhaps an essay type form as to why they need assistance. Just a thought. I have to get myself out of this mess first and save Lacey Grace.

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Not An Average Spider

Published August 18, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

I had my first day at the new job. It was pretty uneventful. My back has always given me extreme pain and today was no exception.

I was bad today. After looking at all the food at work, I actually went and bought two tacos. I was so hungry my inner strength gave way. Not the smartest idea as this will probably cause me to go food-less one day in the near future.

I turned in the application for food stamps. I also had to listen to my boss share his disdain for people that receive such help. Apparently, as I actually do have a business degree and look well put together it never entered his mind that I might be one of those people.

Currently, my favorite time is when I am sleeping. It is peaceful. No clawing hunger and no worrying about tomorrow, just bliss.

On an amusing note, the spiders have more than outnumbered me. I have one particularly large spider that lives by the toilet and sink. He hides with only half of his body showing at any given time. He keeps his beady eyes on me as he knows I have attempted his demise in the past. He is definitely not your average spider.

Firsthand

Published August 17, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

I spent time with my sons this weekend, and I loved every minute of it. I also went to church this morning. An old friend welcomed me there with open arms.

Every day since coming back to this small rural town someone has felt the need to call and tell me the horrific terrible things others are saying about me. I wish they wouldn’t. There is nothing I can do about it except absorb the pain from their harsh words.

Tomorrow I start my part-time job. Minimum wage isn’t enough in Missouri to make much of a dent, but my goal is to keep my car and phone so that I can make it to work and talk to my sons.

I was notified the power will be turned off tomorrow, and I really cannot afford to keep it, even if it was turned back on. It just isn’t a priority right now but more of a luxury.

I am hungry, but I did eat once today and for that I am grateful. The body has an automatic reflex to reach for food three times a day, but I think I can survive on one for a bit.

I am watching the employment boards for a local factory job. I would start off working nights, come home and sleep a few hours and go to the second job and maybe be able to turn things around.

I think the hardest part of it all is that I am scared. I worry the bank will take the house and my squatting days will be over. I guess I have lived, overall, a pretty sheltered life. I never really expected to be here.

I always wondered what it was like for people to be in this situation, so I think I will try and share my story as often as possible. Hopefully, you will just read what this is like and never experience it firsthand.

Robin Williams

Published August 14, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

The sad truth about depression and the people around them. Sadly, another soul has been taken by this horrible illness. As with every celebrity who has succumb to this disease the media picks up the story momentarily and then it will vanish as quickly as it came. The media will encourage those suffering to seek out the help that is offered to them. That all sounds really nice in theory, but the truth is not pretty.

First, most people will tell you there is not a physical problem, and that the problem is all in your head. I myself have reached out to people numerous times in the last 24 hours and heard this comment. Secondly, medication is touted as an option. My experience has been that the medication somewhat dulls the senses but the problems do not go away and new problems may arise such as lethargy, weight gain, stigma, brain fogginess and much more.

The worst part of all this is the lack of support of your so called loved ones and friends. Here are some common comments you will receive…

“It is all in your head”

“Put your big girl panties on” (probably my favorite)

“You got yourself in this mess, now get yourself out”

“Just be happy”

“I don’t want to deal with your issues”

“Suicide is selfish”

Okay, now I will try and explain what it feels like for someone with depression and suicidal ideations. Think back to one of your worst days in life and remember how you felt. Crank that feeling up by 100 and smash your insides. Can you feel it?

I know when most people see that someone like Robin Williams has died they are sad, confused and perplexed; however, many people do understand the cruel suffering. The clawing pain and misery that lives within despite those who think mind over matter will be the answer. There are, in fact, actual physical pain and ailments that accompanies this disease.

Unlike Mr. Williams, most people with mental illness end up living on the streets or are in jail because making it through daily living is especially difficult. Getting to the shower, getting to the job, paying the bills is all quite a feat.

I was in the hospital last year being treated for depression. At that time, the only difference between most of us was the fact that some were at the beginning and still had homes and those at the end living on the street.

I prayed that seeking out help for myself that I would not end up financially destroyed and alone. My prayers were not answered. A few bad decisions, some bad luck and here I am waiting for the power to be turned off. Yesterday, I prayed for death. The only peace I had was when I was asleep. I just couldn’t see the light. So many obstacles in the way, let alone the physical ailments racking my body. The thing that kept me here was once again my children. They would be destroyed for life if I committed suicide. They would never understand.

In the last few days, if I had money for every time someone told me to put my big girl panties on, I would financially be okay, but what I have needed most was just for someone to care and be kind.

If I survive this, I will assuredly come out a different person. What will remain of me I am not sure. I have forgotten what it feels like to be happy.

I made it through yesterday for my children and my children alone. Today I am just plain mad at the world and am fighting. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I did promise my children that I would not take my own life. I will keep that promise, but it does not mean that tomorrow I won’t plead with God to do it for me.

The reason I wrote this post is for one reason and one reason alone. I implore you to be kind to someone that is suffering with this disease. Don’t kick them while they are on the ground in the fetal position. They do not want to be there anymore than you want them there. They are not trying to be a bother. They are sick and a kind word might just be what is needed for them to get to tomorrow, and who knows, maybe something good will happen and their light will once again shine.

Ground Zero

Published August 10, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

Time to rebuild from zip. After my year long breakdown/medication haze, I have awoken to complete financial ruin. In fact, I cannot even comprehend some of the choices that I made during that time period.

To summarize…the only halfway decent decision I made was to rent out my house or so I thought. My renters turned into squatters. They owe me $1800 and the check in the mail statement is now dead in the water.

So, in conclusion, the money from rent that was supposed to pay house and car payment are nowhere to be found.

Moved the squatters out and am now back in my house with an air mattress. Electricity will be turned off tomorrow.

Desperate job search for one full-time and one part-time job. And pray, pray and more praying…

On an extremely positive note, my sweet son Wyatt is here camping out amusing me as only he can:)

Time was Up…

Published July 27, 2014 by The Creative Outpost

What if?  What if WE as patients took a different approach to diagnosis and prescription treatments?  I have been on quite the roller coaster after being diagnosed with Bipolar II, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety and depression.

Here is a little back-story to my diagnosis…I have always struggled with a dark cloud over my head but life events pushed me into a corner, and for once I didn’t come out swinging.  But, what if rather than going to a psychiatrist, and in five minutes being diagnosed and prescribed numerous dangerous medications, I had cried it out, kicked myself in the ass and went on with life?

I can say with certainty that I would not have suffered the last ten days with horrific withdrawals from discontinuing prescriptions that were prescribed in five minutes.  For so long, I accepted and resigned myself to the fact that I was mentally ill, and that was my lot in life. I saturated myself with websites and people who had the same diagnosis as we shouldered our way through daily living.

I realized one day, that nothing was changing for anyone. The symptoms and feelings were at best staying the same or getting worse, which also means more medication. I became so lost within myself, I didn’t even recognize myself or have the courage to bring myself back until one day I did.

I researched eating properly, exercising and stopped all medications. Guess what? I can actually think again.  I am not manic or depressed.  I still feel very ill from my brain not receiving its daily dose of drugs but that gets better every day. (I will survive these brain zaps!)

I am going to start frequently blogging again, and my posts may jump around as I try to process everything that has transpired.  AT ALL times I will be honest.  If something is not working I will share.  If something is working I will share.  My greatest hope in sharing my experience is to give other people options besides living in a drug haze.

It is not possible for me to go down from where I have been as I plotted my escape from this world with one wholehearted attempt and hundreds of plots.  That my dear readers is called rock bottom.  I have two sons and although I almost convinced myself that it would be okay to do that to them, I just couldn’t do it.  I knew, however; the threat and risk were within reach so something needed to change.  Time was up…

“My Beloved”

Published June 13, 2012 by The Creative Outpost

I was 21-years-old and finishing up college when I became pregnant. I wasn’t prepared to have a child and neither was the baby’s father. It was the hardest decision I ever made, but I decided to give the baby up for adoption. When it was time to deliver, I braced myself for the heartbreak of saying goodbye to my baby girl. I had purchased a heart-shaped locket to give to her, so someday she would hopefully know that I did love her, when I made that difficult decision. I decided to leave the information regarding her adoption open to her new parents, so if she ever decided to find me it would be possible.

The day I delivered her was the happiest and saddest day of my life. She was so beautiful. She had a full head of dark black hair and a heart-shaped face. I had spent a lot of time selecting parents for my biological daughter. They were both educated, successful and more importantly kind and ready to be parents. I handed over my baby girl and gave them the heart-shaped locket with the inscription that I had put so much thought into that read, “My Beloved”.

Five years later, I had a successful career and was happily married. I had never forgotten my baby girl but trusted that I had made the right decision. Even with my current success and stability, I still believed I had made the right decision. I often wondered if the parents would contact me someday. My husband and I discovered that we could not conceive a child. After much thought it occurred to me that this was also an opportunity for an unprepared mother, a child that needed a loving home and for a mother that wanted a child.

We contacted an adoption agency and went through the lengthy process. There were several times we were expecting to bring a baby home but things always fell through. Our adoption agent called one day with an unexpected suggestion. She had a five-year-old girl who had lost both of her parents and needed a home. She knew that we wanted a baby, but wanted us to consider adopting an older child. It didn’t take long for me to realize that this was the blessing we had been waiting for!

We got together with the agent and finalized everything. It was a difficult story she shared with us. The little girl’s family had adopted her when she was a baby and had been killed in an accident leaving behind their daughter with no one to care for her.

The day had arrived. We waited anxiously and excitedly for the little girl’s arrival. It was time, the doorbell chimed and we went to meet our daughter. She was beautiful. Long black hair with a heart-shaped face. It was as if God had sent this beautiful child to me to fill the hole in my heart. That’s when I saw a shimmer peeking out from around her neck. What could the odds be of this little girl wearing a heart-shaped locket? I asked her timidly if I could look at the beautiful necklace. Her little face lit up with this request and with hands shaking I reached forward and opened the tiny locket. There inside was the inscription I had so thoughtfully written five years earlier, “My Beloved.”

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